Social Media After A Marriage Break Up

One aspect that has been a little frustrating with regards to my marriage break-up is our links and common ties with social media, in particular Facebook. I have become a little fanatical about seeing photos of us together and promptly deleted any on my Facebook, but the reality is they were also on his and other people we mutually know. It got me thinking whether I was being a little anal about this whole situation and wanting to pare back my joint social exposure. It's not that the photos are painful to look at, but some of the lovey dovey comments attached to them just don't wash so well when you have been dumped.

So, I did what every good blogger does before writing such a post, and consulted the universe...the wise god Dr Google, and came across this great guide to breaking up on social media which tells me I am not the only one who has been through this. Okay now here are the six steps we all need to know if we are going through a break-up, most of which you will do by instinct if you are anything like me:

Step 1. Address Your Relationship Status:
When my husband said that it was absolutely over for us, the first thing I did on Facebook was change my status to separated, and as suggested in this article I did not make this public. It wasn't a statement I was trying to announce, I just felt that my profile should reflect what I really am and that is well and truly separated. I did go one step further though. When Fathers Day came around and I realised I was no longer a part of the extended family gathering I decided to change back to my maiden name on Facebook. I did not realise I made it public, and of course I received a barrage of concerned comments...but hey at least it was out there. I wasn't hiding it anymore.

Step 2. Erase the most obviously lovey-dovey Facebook and Instagram photos:
Lyndsay Rush suggests a two stage process for this. Stage 1 is to delete all the photos of the two of you, and Stage 2, absolutely any and all group photos of you in love. My first port of call was my wedding photos. I almost deleted the whole album but there are great photos of the kids so now it just looks like I married myself...plus I look good in them, even though the memory of the day is now tarnished.

Step 3: Dig Through Your Facebook Timeline:
I have never been a really big poster so I have not bothered to go back through this. If I happened to say I loved him on his birthday and made it public, so be it. It does not bother me that it's there.

Step 4: Deal with The Friendship Question:
This has been a biggy for me. At the moment he is still my 'friend' on Facebook although I have unfollowed so I do not receive all of his notifications. Sometimes I do think my posts of the boy's sporting achievements are none of his business and apparently I can choose not to share them with him, which is something to consider. But, hey, he can still read my blog to catch up on what I am up to if he really wants to...but I did ask him to unlike Floodproof Mum's Facebook. Just seemed like the right thing to do really.

Step 5: Unfollow on Twitter:
All I can say is....thank goodness I do not use twitter. Sounds like a nightmare to erase their presence from that.

Step 6: Institute Social Media Roadblocks:
I am definitely at Step 6 now. Many of our Facebook friends and family are mutual and it gets complicated when you don't want them to see something you post, or it's not relevant to them, but then your brother or sister (for example only, this has not happened yet) likes it, and because they are his friends too, then he sees it anyway. Phew, does that make sense? Seems I need to do a lot more digging into the privacy settings, cull some unnecessary connections and as Lindsay suggests, asking your connections to do the same. Truth be known, some of my family have already done this.

So, there you have it. Check out Lindsay's article for the full explanation of all the above. especially if you are in this situation and feeling like you are neurotic...I'm sure Paul thought I was crazy getting him to delete all of our joint photos, and it doesn't feel right not to be able to do it yourself somehow.

Time To Let Go

Two years ago today I was on a beautiful beach in Nai Yang, Phuket for my sister, Krish's wedding. It was such a beautiful, romantic ceremony, complete with bare feet and these amazing parasols we picked up for a couple of dollars at one of the temples. I was so honored that Krish asked Paul and I to attend as we had shared their journey from the very beginning of their romance when they met online, and we supported Krish through her breakup with her ex.

I am so very proud of my little sis and so ecstatic that she found the love she deserved after years of turmoil. Congratulations Krish and Pete!

Ironically one of the reasons Krish asked us to attend was that Paul and I understood what it was like to have such an incredible romance...that the depth of affection we had for one another was akin to hers with Pete, soul mates. Unfortunately, at the time of going overseas we had just been through another major flood earlier that year...and it was taking it's toll on us. We really needed the break, and despite my checking on the kids all the time, we all did have a lovely time...except for one big mistake I made which I planned with Krish before we left Australia.

I arranged with the celebrant to have a renewal of wedding vows for Paul and I, under the flower arbour, after Krish and Pete were married. I wanted to try and capture some sort of romantic spark that had been missing from our marriage. Mental note....never ever spring a surprise renewal of wedding vows on someone. Like that situation would ever present itself again, right? It was incredibly awkward, Paul didn't get the gesture, and later said he didn't think it was a good idea.

The reason I share this story is that I think I realised then that my marriage was hurting, that large romantic gestures shouldn't be necessary to keep things moving. Now, two years later my marriage is over.

You cannot go back from someone telling you they don't love you anymore, that they don't want to grow old with you...and that nothing you do can change that. You have to let them go. If they are so unhappy then there is no point holding on to save your broken heart. You have to realise the fairytale is over, even though you would have tried to save it over and over again because you made solemn vows and promised to do so....and, let's face it...you still love him.

A month ago I couldn't talk about this, hence the reason for my bloggy break. Some would think it's not appropriate to air this in public but I felt like writing what was in my heart today, especially on this anniversary of such a moving and beautiful wedding. A day that will always hold a special place in my heart regardless of who was there.

Pete and Krish, I know you will have an eternity of anniversaries and I so look forward to sharing them with you. Don't be sad for me, I deserve to be with someone that will love me for a lifetime, no matter what...just like you.

Thanks for helping me let go...love you both so much!!

Recycled Love

Recycled Love

To recycle something is to put or pass it through a cycle again, to give it further treatment, or to start a different cycle. This is how I view my marriage or love-life at the moment...a recycled version of what it once was. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but each cycle loses and gains a little something on the way. Where we are now, and the love we have for another, is different than what it was seven years ago. It is evolving and enduring as we sail together through storms and floods...and search for the calm, still waters of our dreams. It is so easy to lose a little faith when faced with hardship or trauma, so there always needs to be a shining light, and sometimes you need to look for it...or plan towards it.

For those of you who may not know (I don't know how, I have been talking about it for weeks), I have just returned from a short cruise with my husband, Paul. It was a Christmas present I paid off over the past year because I knew that we needed to get away on our own, to have some quality time without kids or flood repairs, or bills, or work pressures. Last year we were fortunate enough to travel to Thailand for my sister's wedding but that was different...we still weren't alone.

One could also think that being on a ship with 2000 other passengers is also not being alone, but we were free to wake up when we wanted, do what we wanted, to make our own decisions based solely around ourselves...with no-one else to consider. To us, that is just bliss. With six teenage kids, and the burdens of our farm and work, it emptied our heads to the point that we could just be ourselves...and talk. This was something we had not been doing enough of.

It was not our first cruise trip. We are fortunate enough to have taken our kids on two cruises, both on the same ship, the Pacific Dawn. So, this ship is like an old friend and holds many special memories for us. It is comforting and familiar, and despite the three year absence, it has only had minor changes.

The focal point of the Bengal Bar, Paul's favourite golden tiger, we feared had been lost when we heard the bar had been renovated and renamed.

No, he was recycled and placed in a less ostentatious position, but there to greet us nonetheless.

Our first cruise trip was special, but also a tough one for us. When we met, Paul and I had a whirlwind courtship, buying a house within six months and moving in with six kids. So, when his Dad's 70th birthday cruise came around it's hardly surprising that, with three years of floods, life had taken it's toll on us and the kids. I was living in town and Paul at the farm (a separation to save our family) when we boarded Pacific Dawn in 2010. He wanted to get married but I had said no because our children could not live together...we both knew that we had to stay apart until the kids were ready, so there was no point getting married.

But when our kids did finally embrace our blended family, we were married (with all of them in attendance) and off on our honeymoon cruise...all of us again. We had an amazing time which none of us will ever forget. It was the start of a different cycle, one in which we placed our relationship and marriage before our children. We regained our faith in our love for one another and knew that nothing could keep us apart.

So, this time, on our first cruise sleeping in the same room, we remembered each of the other special times we shared on this ship...the different cycles of our love that we had passed through...and we remembered just who we are to one another - the loves of each others lives! Not just mums or dads or colleagues or daughters or sons or even just husbands and wives. We are more than that, but somewhere along the way we had forgotten to remember it.

To recycle also means to recondition and to adapt. Seeing the world through a different view (the first time we had a cruise cabin with a window) was just what we needed to do that. We still have 'it' and will make sure we treasure it, because love is so easy to misplace, funnily enough.

Do you ever feel like your love life needs a boost or a recycle?